The truth about monogamy is that there is no truth at all. American girls are destroying society because they uphold men to unrealistic monogamous expectations. They grow up believing that they are Sleeping Beauty waiting for prince charming to come along and rescue them from a tower or dragon or whatever. Usually he does in the form of a modern gentleman offering them roses and taking them out to dinner. He will fall in love with her and offer her everlasting affection, provisions, and protections, making her realize that there IS such thing as prince charming after all. But what she doesn’t realize is that prince charming wants to bang Cinderella, Ariel, AND Rapunzel…and basically anything else he can get his hands on.  It is no mystery that men are hard-wired to spread their seed, and yet, we’re still upholding them to unrealistic expectations. Why? Is it because there is some hope for monogamy after all?

Scientists believe early humans chose monogamy as a better child-rearing strategy because it allowed for the father to focus on providing for only one family. As a result, babies were fed more protein early on in their lives, causing them to become healthier and more intelligent. Thus, it’s arguable to state that monogamy is the reason why we are so intelligent today. It makes us who we are.

Through his research on early humans, Dieter Lukas, a zoologist at the University of Cambridge, concluded that monogamy develops where females live at low density and that there is no correlation between monogamy and infanticide. Since females are not at all at low density today, why are we monogamous? Perhaps there is a more biological reason and perhaps there are individual differences. For some, the idea of a partner telling them they can never love or be attracted to anyone else in their lifetime is terrifying, while for others it comes naturally. Why is this? One profound study in Finland in 1992 examined how people really feel about open relationships. When asked, only about 9% of thousands of people interviewed reported that they could comfortably have sexual relations with more than one person- that’s not a lot! However, 17% of these people reported that they had cheated while in a monogamous relationship before.

Are some people genetically predisposed to polyamory while others are genetically more monogamous? If humans and apes both came from a common ancestor and some primates are monogamous (like gibbons) and others are not (like gorillas), it is quite possible. Unfortunately scientific research on human polyamory is limited.

Are women monogamous and men polygamous?

Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain (2006) offers a written examination about the serial monogamy demonstrated in the females, stating that women will mate with one partner only until a stronger, better one comes along. This does not support the idea that women are monogamous for life. However, many women fail to marry men who satisfy their needs on a variety of levels ranging from masculinity to providership. They settle for men who they’ve developed a close bond and friendship with and many settle for men who are good at providing. These qualities, while important, are not enough to make a satisfying monogamous relationship last. Below, I outline 5 key traits that successful monogamous couples have in common. Unfortunately, the majority of today’s marriages lack them.

Brizendine also observes that women have a tendency to reproduce with alpha males who they are unable to “tie down” in a monogamous relationship. Later in life, they then seek relations with provider beta males.  Oftentimes these women, while engaged in a satisfying emotional relationship with their beta male counterparts, find themselves in dissatisfying sexual relationships. Some even continue seeking sexual affairs with alpha males in secret. It is in women’s (and men’s) best interest for women to choose partners who satisfy them on many levels. There are over 6 billion people in the world and there is no reason why you cannot manage to find someone who is both emotionally and sexually satisfactory. This is also a reason why it is best for a woman to wait until marriage before losing her virginity, so that her husband is guaranteed to be the best sexual partner she will ever have.

 

Were cavemen monogamous?

Anthropologists from the University of Waterloo in Canada published a recent (2016) study indicating that cavemen were both polyamorous and monogamous and those who were more prone to monogamy thrived because their mating strategy protected them from STDs. Most experts who study the mating strategies of cavemen conclude that although pair bonds formed, they were not strictly monogamous. In fact, many paleontologists relate our breeding strategy to that of birds: birds are highly socially monogamous but not sexually. Social monogamy is the act of devoting attention and emotion to only one partner while letting the rest of the community know that you are not “interested” in any one else- these couples appear “exclusive”. Sexual monogamy is the act of only mating and breeding with one partner for life. Only about 3% of the millions of species on the planet are sexually monogamous- and humans are certainly not one of them.

Traits of Successful Monogamists

In longitudinal studies on successful marriages, a number of similar traits are featured. Unfortunately, one of them is cheating on the side: Over 50% of all relationships involve infidelity. Over 60% of married men report having an affair by the time they are 65. Only 10% of these affairs are known.

So is the secret to monogamy cheating? Not necessarily. When interviewed, happily married couples are found to have a few things in common:

  1. They weren’t afraid to fight. Fighting happens (a lot). It’s unrealistic to expect that two people will stay together forever without fighting. They accept the fights for what they are, make up, move on and forget it ever happened
  2. They have children together (this increases their bond)
  3. They are honest with each other
  4. The relationship is somewhat transactional. Passion alone is not good enough to make a marriage last. Each person has to bring something to the table
  5. They were generally happier and healthier than older couples who were involved in failed marriages

 In Conclusion:

  1. There is evidence to suggest that some people are genetically monogamous while others genetically polyamorous.
  2. Even monogamous men are hard-wired to mate and reproduce with many women until they are ready to settle down and provide for only one (a favorite one). This is why you should always  give a seemingly dishonest promiscuous male a chance (because after all, he can’t help his nature!)
  3. It is up to the individual/couple to decide what type of lifestyle they should engage in, whether it is monogamous or polyamorous, or some combination of both. It is not up to the  remainder of society to judge them. After all, if it is socially acceptable for a couple to choose to  be gay, why isn’t it acceptable for them to choose not to engage in monogamy?